Addiction

Hello Friends...

I think I have a serious problem.

I am addicted to the internet.

Normally, I would say that this is not realistic or possible, because I don't need the internet to function, and I can choose not to go online for a few days without suffering.

However, I find myself drawn to the internet even when there is nothing to do online. I check my websites obsessively, in order, always keeping my email open in a tab and checking it for something new. As soon a I see an email about one of my sites, I open a new tab to go check it. I read news stories from across the country while I wait for something new in my email or on one of my sites. I lose hours to the internet.

The worst part is, even though I know that there is nothing important online that I need to do, nothing that cannot be done offline, I feel frightened by the thought of not going on for a week. The internet is my therapy, how I deal with life. It is the way I deal with the fact that I am not a social creature in the traditional manner, that I do not like to call my friends on the phone, that I feel awkward and choked up on the phone with people that in person or online I am completely comfortable with. It is how I pretend that I have more friends than I do. It is where I seek answers to all questions, be it how to do something or where to find a place or the weather. It is where I search (not so successfully) for work. It is where I look for used items that I want for the house. I even read on the internet when I don't have a book from the library.

I literally lose time to the internet. I set goals for my evening and barely take the time to eat dinner let alone achieve those goals.

The pattern: Gmail, LJ, deviantART, Facebook (where I do little but check to see if there are any messages), mySpace (same as Facebook), ModelMayhem. Then back to Gmail, browse craigslist, NJ.com, CNN.com, NJ.com Hopatcong forum and Sussex County forum. With usually at least 3 random google searches during the process.

Even now, I have just wasted an hour online, and I haven't even completed my pattern. I checked my email, checked my work email, and came on LJ. What have I achieved? Well, I barely skimmed the LJ posts so I didn't make any contributions to my friends' posts, and I confirmed that work is closed tomorrow due to heat and power outages due to a transformer fire, then I found where the guy who is selling a dresser I want for our bedroom lives, and I typed this. Not really worth an hour.

I feel depressed that I have this dependency on technology. The internet, the cell phone... I survived most of my life without them, and now...