...since I've posted anything here. Sorry if the following seems like a whine-fest.

( Kinda-long Update )

So, recently our insurance got tweaked, in that our prescription coverage was no longer going to be Caremark through Bollinger, but Caremark through BCBSNJ (on our medical card). We were advised that there would be a change to our prescription coverage as BCBS was changing things, but then told that BCBS was going through Caremark so everything should be okay (esp. for those using mail-order scripts) but we just have to give the new card info. A short note says that the coverage should be comparable if not *better* and anything not covered should be reported so that they can resolve.

( Why isn't it covered? )

Today, it's been one year since Dave's dad passed away.
Today, it's been ten years since Ben passed away.
Today is a rough day for Dave.

I think the hardest thing about losing Ben, Alice, and Michael is that I cannot really understand how Dave is feeling, or what I can do to comfort him when he misses them. The closest I've been to anyone who has died was my Nana, who was in a greatly deteriorated state when I went to live with her for a while so that there was someone in the house at night. She didn't always know who I was, or trust me (she accused me of stealing her pizza one night when we ordered in. Stealing. Her. Pizza.). I was only a teenager, and by the time she passed I was no longer living there. It hurt more because I had seen her go from my Nana to a shell of her former self, and then she was gone. Our closeness was really not close at all, rather a matter of living under the same roof. My memories were sullied.

Dave lost his older brother, then his mother, then his father. If I were to lose any of those, it would destroy me. I truly fear the future, because it is highly likely that one of them will predecease me. Dave has to live with this, has lived with this for years.

Today is a rough day.

So.... we were driving home in the dark and as we went around a particularly tight curve in the road, there was a deer standing on the other side of the guardrail just kinda staring out across the road... which of course I see just as we're rounding the corner as the headlights hit it... and it's like two feet away from my head, looming out of the darkness... Startling, to say the least.

Well, almost immediately my mind jumps to Cape May, where a deer head sits mounted on a porch wall, with a dust mask to cover its unsightly, slightly decomposing muzzle... And then I'm visualizing the deer we just passed with a painter's dust mask on...

And then it gets worse. Because I am a horrible person, with a somewhat macabre sense of humor/decor and a mite touch of the insanity, I envision having money to waste and purchasing a full taxidermied deer, dressing it up, and placing it in a field on the side of the road in the dark to be spotted by unsuspecting drivers in the middle of nowhere. I can only hope, as their headlights pass over this completely absurd figure, that they do not react poorly or get into an accident, and rather assume that their eyes are playing tricks on them. To take the prank a step further, of course, would be to devise a method of then stealthily removing said dressed up taxidermied deer so that in the event that a curious individual decides to back up or turn around, there is nothing there (or even better, an undressed deer).

Which leads to the "less likely to get arrested for causing an accident, more likely to piss off my neighbors" plan - to place the deer in my yard, complete with seasonal and holiday themed outfits. A bikini and sunglasses for the summer, a green top hat and some clover for St. Pat's, symbols to represent ChristmaHanuKwanzaaYulekah in winter, a variety of costumes for Halloween... sort of an upgrade from my failed holiday skelly (who is to this day on my front door in his red Christmas Elf suit, sans hat as it fell off). Maybe I could use the deer as a scarecrow to help ward off my evil groundhog...

I know, I know... I've got problems.

Maxed out my CC. Had a rock hit the windshield and start an epic crack right in the middle at the bottom. Didn't affect visibility, but since the rest of the windshield was pitted as shit and my car insurance covers windshield repair and replace, I decided to call in a claim and just replace the damn thing. $300 deductible and the CC is maxed out.

Thinking about applying to work at Home Depot/Lowes, since the news says they are hiring for the spring "repair rush" season. Any income is more than before, and would help get us through this dark period.

The worst part about all this money worry and stuff is working a full time job, getting little to no acknowledgment from the administration for what I do (case in point: my teacher went home sick halfway through Tuesday; I ran the class on Wednesday and Thursday even though I could've just sat back and let the substitutes flounder through the day and the kids be crazy and loud, but would anyone notice that? No. But they'll trust a parent who says that I'm "cold" and lecture me to watch my tone of voice.), with Dave's dad's estate just sitting there going nowhere. Once we get even a hint of the money that Dave is inheriting our lack of income will be less of a concern, but I have to get us through until then, a mysterious then that may be as soon as this summer or as late as godknowswhen.

Speaking of the job hunt, there has been absolutely no reply from ANY of the jobs I've applied for. And that includes the woman who was looking for people to crochet her designs, the photographer looking for an assistant, the owner looking for a driver for an ice cream truck, several office positions, Borders, a hotel front desk position, and many others. I'm literally applying to anything that I would potentially consider doing that might have shifts from 5pm on, since that's the earliest I could work if I had to drive home, change, and shove something dinner-like down my throat (assuming there are no major accidents on the ride home, which throws a giant wrench into any timetable).

There are things I'd like to do in the coming months that I don't know if we'll have any way of doing (we're considering another CC, doing the 0% balance transfer game to move some debt around until we can pay it off, but who knows how long that'd last). For example, Dave's birthday is the end of March, and it'd be nice to do something for that; our 10th anniversary is April 2nd, which is a pretty big deal for me; my birthday is in May; Steampunk World's Fair ($100 min just for registration) is in May; Dave's cousin's wedding in California is in July, and it would be really nice to go out there for it; and who knows what else will come up.

Bank account at $0.
Bank loan maxed out.
??? left on CCs.

Money situation = not good.

Job hunt = fail.

Current job = torture.

Current mental and emotional status = questionable.

I realized that between not working the summer (me by choice, Dave by not getting picked) and not working the aftercare (even though I didn't want to, we weren't even offered) we're down a good 15-20k a year. Which makes a huge difference. And trying to work with the mortgage company is driving me bananas (talked to refi guy, get told refi is not possible unless we have $20k handy, transferred to loan modification dept, get told "your call can no longer be processed, please hang up now" and disconnected, call back, speak to loan modification guy, can't understand if he's saying we're likely to qualify or not as I'm giving financial infos, my cell phone dies). Now I'm going to try to talk to a live person in an office instead of the phone, except the office hours suck and apparently if you get there 20 min before closing there's no one there but the receptionist, now I have to make an appointment but I don't know *when* since the office hours suck.

In addition, I get to play the same game with my student loans, as I'm going to try to get them deferred so I don't default. I hate phone calls.

One of the things on my mind lately has been trying to simplify my life. I will admit that my personality contributes to the complication of my life - I want to do too much, with too little time. I am a list maker, a person who has a hard time saying "no," a person who is afraid of missing out, a person who doesn't like to not be in control. I am a perfectionist. I do a lot of things myself because it is easier than letting someone else do them.

( My plan )

Today we had a snow day, which was nice. They actually called it right after school let out (although it took an hour or more between Dave getting his call and me getting mine), which was kinda confusing; why not call it before school let out, if you were going to make the call so early, so that an announcement could be made? Even if you called it when the high school and middle had already dismissed, the elementary schools could have still made the announcement and saved us the hassle of the snow chain (although I suppose anyone who was out would have had to be called, and you wouldn't know if that was the person you have to call unless you know the person you call which I don't). Still, it was nice to know early whether we'd be getting up in the morning.

Today I shoveled the stairs/driveway/walkway, roasted garlic, and made soup. More specifically, I made matzoh ball soup, and was less than pleased with how the matzoh balls turned out. I didn't use seltzer or baking soda or any of those things. I did make the matzoh blend last night and left it in the fridge. I tried to use a simple recipe. I tried not to handle the mixture too much. They were a little too dense in the middle, which makes me nervous about being cooked through. I suppose I could have cooked them longer, but 40 minutes seemed long enough. Most of them were floating and they had puffed up considerably. I will probably have to try the seltzer thing or something else to make them less dense.

Last night I decided to try needle tatting, without the benefit of a tatting needle or the appropriate thread. It came out alright, some twisting in the pattern I followed, but now that I've done it once I can probably do it better next time. I want to make some tatted lace flowers to put on a headband for my mom - she cut her hair and has been borrowing my sister's headbands and it looks really cute, so I wanted to make her something she could wear. Here's a link to my post on the MiseryCompetition blog with some pictures - http://miserycompetition.blogspot.com/2011/01/like-i-need-another-hobby.html - I'm too lazy to upload pics to photobucket right now to put them in this post. I will have to find someplace I can get a tatting needle set from and some colored thread of the appropriate weight, maybe a yarn store (I'm assuming that the standard craft stores probably don't carry needle tatting supplies). I could also learn shuttle tatting, I suppose, to get the full perspective on the whole lace-making art. We'll see. I really don't need a new hobby to have more unfinished projects of.

I hope everyone is having a good start to the year. Maybe I'll get better about posting, reading, and commenting. Maybe not. We'll see.

I really enjoy GLEE. The storylines have been a little... shaky, at times, I suppose, but there's just enough balance of great characters and good singing to keep me happy. And every once in a while they throw something in that isn't completely preposterous, that doesn't feel forced, and that absolutely slaps you in the face and really allows the actors to shine. The recent plot regarding bullying, for example. Not only did they show the complexity of the situation with the football player and Kurt, but they also addressed Sue's constant bullying behavior, without ruining the character (she didn't all of a sudden become an angel, but she did half-apologize to Kurt, which shows she's not all biting one-liners).

Brittany is my favorite character. Sometimes I wish I could be as innocent and clueless as she is. And oddly sweet. Like with the dollhouse for the homeless children - "At least their dolls won't be homeless." And the whole Santa thing. Oh, to believe in Santa again... To have that much faith in anything, really, would be lovely. (It doesn't hurt that the actress is a fabulous dancer... so jealous. I'd like her dancing ability and her body, thanks.)
Sue is a close second, because she is super complex and fabulously snarky.

I was happy to see that the "bit players" are getting a little more screen time - the whole Rachel/Finn thing grates on my nerves (despite its authentic "stupid teenagers" feel) and while she has a great voice it is nice to hear from and see more from the other characters. The more balanced the opportunities for each character are, the more of an ensemble piece it becomes, highlighting everyone's talents and keeping it from becoming too stale. Relying too much on the power performers makes it boring - focus on the dancing and comic abilities of some of the characters, focus on the attitude and presentation rather than technical singing ability - I love watching singers who can work their voice, physicality, and expressions to send three different messages while singing a song (ie. Mr. Shu singing opposite Rachel when she was all obsessy - singing like it was his one true love, while making faces like he was afraid she was going to jump over the piano and bite him). I mean, great singing and great song selections are always good, but I want to get to know the characters too. And the group dynamic. It's always more fun when it's a group, rather than a few shining stars and their backup.

So, to summarize, I want to be a blond clueless innocent who can dance really well.

I am so glad November is almost over, so I can attempt to forget about the month as a whole.